Deadpan Thoughts

Fear had set in her heart…

She lay in the darkness, motionless – but the pattern of her breathing gave away her peaceful demeanor -  ragged, semi-awake.

She turned on her side to emit a series of hacking coughs.

The form shifted back into it’s original position, having emitted an s.o.s through morse code – each cough followed by a jerky ragged breath.

The room was pitched in reassuring darkess, except this girl.. There was no light anywhere about her, yet a reel seemed to be playing in her head… Eyes sealed shut, while her eyeballs seemed to roam under the tightly shut lids.. Almost as if seeking escape, respite from the things they were being forced to see.

The girl emits a moan, now getting restless… The horror of the images in her head unfolds.. They had started peacefully enough.

A mother, her three children. Two girls and a little boy. Visions of sunshine and flowers, the mother stretched out with two sleeping children in both arms, and rocking the third in the car seat with her foot, on the little gondola out on the river.

But as the girl watched, the only peace in the lives of the people were when they slept – which ironically was the one time she was troubled.

The mother struggled to deal with her three children.. The eldest who was, even at 10, riddled with anger, and violent – the mother assumed the child was in one of  those phases. The second, aged 3, who refused to go to the stables with her daddy, and when she did ..came back hysterical, and sometimes bloody – this was chalked down to being afraid of horses, and “scrapes” children got when they played. The third was her little boy, aged 1, who took more time and energy than she could humanly muster.

The reel started to play faster – almost in fast forward. Skipping scenes. The girl now breaks out in a sweat, her hands tremble at what she sees. Her feet have a mind of their own, they kick about wildly. The scenes in her head are relentless.

First light of dawn. A robed figure creeps into the room. The two girls sleep soundly. The elder daughters eyes fly open – a hand is sliding across her body. She opens her mouth to scream. A hand presses her mouth shut. Delivers a  sound slap. And another. And another. She struggles, and struggles. The nightlight falls to the floor and goes out. Tears roll down her face. The hands are relentless. They do things that she doesn’t like. She fights. The hands starts to hurt her. She tries to scream.. Her voice is clamped shut, but the screams echo in her head. Over.  and over. and over. .

The next scene cuts to the stable. The girl has tears streaming down her face.. she cannot bear to dream any more…

The horses whinny at the approaching sound of footsteps – The way the twigs snap signals to them that the hands of cruelty approach. The Master of the house appears, smoking his pipe.. The trembling little girl comes forward, clutching her nanny tightly- she had been tricked into coming to the stable, lured by little bunnies, and sugary cookie treats. No one could understand her fear of horses, and how she became so bloody. At seeing her father, she burst into tears, and held on to her nanny for dear life. The father lifted her up, took her in his arms, and said “thank you, that will be all”. The poor child kicked and screamed wildly, and the father smilingly carried her towards a stall, softly murmuring, ” look at all the nice horsies darling”. . The nanny reluctantly turned away, knowing in her heart something wasnt right.

She crept around to the side of the stable, the distressed shrieking cries of the child clearly audible well in the distance.. She peered over the top of the stable wall.. The father had her pinned down in the hay, he was doing the most terrible things to her… He was struggling to quiet her, yet the vandalising of her childhood, her innocence screamed in the surrounding silence.. The defenseless child struggled. . red in the face with effort.. The blood appeared on her thighs .. .  The nanny covered her mouth, and ran.. Unable to control her tears…or her urge to throw up..

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The nanny was on her knees, praying for the children. She knew respite would not come unless God willed it so.. She prayed the mother would discover what was going on. She kept silent for the fear that the harm inflicted on the children would get worse. The images kept flashing in her head. She had bathed the child, dressed her wound, atleast the ones that could be bandaged. The fever had subsided. Finally the nanny lay down to rest next to the child… and sleep came.

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In the darkness, the girls face was awash with tears, eyes squeezed tightly shut, her face anguished. Fists clenched bunchfuls of the sheets. Her body was tense.

The mother couldn’t understand why her elder daughter was being so difficult, throwing things about, moping in corners. Or why she had started to slouch, and refused to come to dinner. Sneaking food out of the kitchen, eating relentlessly…  why did the dark circles under her eyes prevail so… Or why she locked herself in the bathroom for long hours…

Speaking of bathrooms, she couldn’t understand why the little one refused to go to the bathroom with anyone except the nanny, why she seemed afraid of dark, closed spaces, and why she shrank from all forms of affection. The child cried all the time , there was no respite.

Even the youngest one was teething, so there was no peace. There was an overall state of anxiety running through the place, she could feel the vibes in the air. The nanny seemed to always stare at her disturbingly, as if trying to tell her something, her eyes seemed troubled.

She tried to dismiss all these thoughts, and went to sleep. Alas, a dream within a dream, within a dream. She saw vivid images, she saw her children in danger.. She saw all that had been happening under her very nose, only faint glimpses of the real horrors. . She awoke gasping, she had to go see her children.. The corridors seemed never ending, the curtains billowing in the passageways.. She rushed to her childrens room…

She walked in, and stopped in horror – Her mouth formed an O of shock.. A figure crouched over her eldest daughter – the hands in places they shouldnt be… The tigress in the mother came alive – She launched herself at her daughter assailant. She scratched, clawed, tumbled, struggled, finally pinning him to the ground. . he had been taken by surprise… She looked at his face, and shrank back – screams echoed the entire premises.  The screaming went on and on. She held her child close. The man she called her husband turned and ran. . but was stopped by the guards, who since a long time had known, and wished this man be brought to justice.

The police were called. The child was hugged close, finally the silent greviences of all those years were voiced by howling tears.. The nightmare was finally over. The man who had wrought so much horror in their lives was finally gone. .

Later, they lay together, holding eachother, the mother and her two daughters while her son slept.. She watched their peaceful sleeping faces. . Tears trickled down her face. . She now understood why her children were lashing out… why the younger one was always bloody when no scars were ever visible.. . she now understood their fears, their tears..

.. but she knew everything would be alright. He was gone.. She would TELL her children it was not their fault, over and over , till it was ingrained in their minds.. they were innocents, who knew not any better, and couldn’t combat a force so strong.. they HAD to know they weren’t to blame.. They had to feel good about themselves again, to save them from a lifetime of insecurity, low esteem and suffering.. They would know better, and be stronger people.. and she would never ever leave her children with anyone ever again….

Sunlight streamed into the room. . The girl opened her eyes. . Atlast, there was justice in the world. Her tears had run dry while she slept. . and her dreams had delivered the victims of her dreams to safety.. She wondered if God had willed it to be a happy ending. . . Her health had improved, the cough was almost gone.. her breathing now normal. . . She wondered if these dreams were significant of the Original SIn. . . and if this happy ending meant the shedding of her burden, out of the slough of Despond, and a successful journey past the Wicket gate . . . Perhaps after conquering all, she now stood at the peak of the hill of difficulty… Perhaps this is how God wanted it to be…

Note: There are some elements present of the theory of Calvanism – such as the original sin (which is the sin committed by Adam, when he ate forbidden fruit, and now every generation carries some of the burden of his sin, which is far more than the burden of the sins a man actually commits in life). There is also the use of “the will of God” – Calvanism said, no one could help any situation unless GOD cast a kind eye, and willed it so..

I have also used references from John Bunyan’s Pilgrims Progress -

1. The slough of despond – the pit wherein lie all sins that mankind commit

2. Wicket Gate- reference to heaven

3. The hill of Difficulty- The name speaks for itself

4. dreams within dreams – inspired by the way he uses dreams within dreams to complicate his narrative

There is also the symbolism of light and darkness- darkness considered bad, and light is used in Genesis to depict all things good, and enlightenment